Shalom Aleichem/Calling All Angels

"I need to know that things are going to look up..."

I have been avoiding writing this post. Mostly because I have been having a difficult time sorting out my feelings. My time here has taught me that it is easy to avoid facing the truth when you cannot explain it to anybody around you because of a language barrier (thank you, language immersion(?)). The act of writing these posts, however, is quiet self-reflective for me. It demands me to look at myself and my situation as clearly as I can. I was not prepared to do that until now.

The basic story since last week is that there were rockets coming from Gaza. They started just after I wrote my last post. I was alone here in my dorm when I heard the alarm go off. I did not know where the nearest shelter was but the head of my program swiftly called me to make sure I was okay. It was unexpected. Perhaps a bit jarring. Yet, I was not scared. It happened once more that night and once more in the morning. I became very used to the routine of hearing the alarm and walking to the shelter closest to my room. Classes for Sunday were canceled. More rockets were sent. Then classes for Monday were canceled. They decided to evacuate us and all the other foreign students. We stayed in Tel Aviv for two days because of the situation. We returned on Wednesday and began classes. Some more rockets were sent once on Wednesday and once on Thursday (when I was walking back from class -- but no worries, I took shelter in a radioactive lab). Since then there have not been any. The seise fire is firmly in effect for now.

In Be'er Sheva, we got to experience the fear created by being in a truly unsure place. It was unlike anything I have ever felt before and I think that it was good life experience. Unfortunately, one girl from my program was too upset by the situation to stay here. Although I understand how she feels, I must stress that I am in no serious danger here. Most of the rockets do not hurt anybody. When people do get hurt it is because they are not in shelters. Admittedly, I do relate to her a bit on the emotional level. The word trauma sounds too strong to my ears but I am feeling something along those lines. I have been a bit jumpy and moody; however, what really worries me is how surreal everything feels right now. The whole situation seems like it happened to somebody else and somewhere else. I am hoping time will help me to feel a little better.

A lot people have asked me about my thoughts on the situation both sociologically and politically. Seeing the reactions of Israelis is really interesting on a both levels. They seem mostly unbothered by the situation. They also do not seem particularly critical of the army for committing the assassination of the terrorist that was the impetus of this current round of fighting. For me it is strange that students do not want to wait the 10 minutes in the shelter that they are supposed to. It is also hard to understand how it is okay here, in the Middle East, to simply assassinate people and not expect repercussions. Of course, I understand that they felt it was a security issue to let him alive. Except I cannot help but think that acting in a violent way that you know will cause more violence is just as dangerous. The logic of the politics and military here do not sit comfortably for me. On another topic with simular themes, I have also been having a difficult time comprehending why Israeli politicians are crying out for war with Iran. What I have been seeing and hearing here are upsetting and discouraging to me. I want peace. I want people to want to work toward peace with diplomatic measures. Sometimes it feels like that dream is completely unrealistic here. Other times, Israelis amaze me by going against the grain. Heartwarming campaigns such as, "We <3 You," give me hope for the future of this country. "We <3 You" is a viral Israeli Facebook campaign to Iranians saying that "We love you. We will never bomb you"(see more here). I also feel a bit better when I hear students talking about the rockets and discussing how it makes them feel. They do not do it very often from what I have observed and they have never discussed the politics of it in my presence, but simply talking about it is better than seeing it as an acceptable part of life here.

Because of what happend I have not had a lot of classes at this point. So, it is impressive that I am already convinced my classes will be really great. My teachers are nice and interesting. The classes are potentially going to be difficult for me but as long as they remain interesting I think it will be worth it. I have been getting frustrated. I think that is simply a byproduct of my language low-self esteem and that is what I came to Israel to fix. So far the potential to learn and grow here seems never-ending. Because I just begun my classes, I am going to hold off on the details about what I am learning for now.


Some other things that have happened since my last post:

- I met one of my roommates. She is really nice and lets me use everything in the kitchen. She also studies Psychology. We had a lengthy conversation about what I do in America and about my thoughts on Israel. It was very nice to speak one on one in a quiet place without pressure.

- I have spent a significant amount of time with Israelis. Notably, we spent Shabbat dinner with a nice family. It was really exciting to observe what a normal Friday night was like for them. It was also fun to watch Israeli television with Israelis.

- I went to a place called Engosh House to see about volunteer opportunities. It is a place that helps rehabilitate people with mental health issues. They teach life skills, do activities together, and send in-house help. The women I spoke with was very nice and said that the language barrier will not stop me from being able to lend a hand. I am still thinking on it but there is a high possibility that I will volunteer there.

- I did Zumba. It was pretty funny to do it in a Hebrew speaking environment. The depressing part is that it made me realize that I left my sneakers in Tel Aviv. The hostel did not find them. So I need to buy some new ones. Hopefully I will do that before tomorrow because I am going on a long bike trip with the Student Union here!


My reluctance to write this post was not just due to my confused feelings toward the security situation here. Despite the fact that I have met people and been doing new things every day, I have not been entirely socially comfortable or happy here. Spending time with Israelis is hard for me. I have to use all of my concentration to understand what they are saying and I have trouble responding quickly or with proper grammer. If I am in pub with Israelis, it is hard to hear. If they talk about things using vocabulary I don't know, I do not want to be annoying and ask all the time. This is not a path for those who need to know what is going on all the time. I have had some quality conversations but I have also had frustrating ones. I think it is all part of the learning experience. I just hope that with time things will get easier and that as things get easier I will be happier.