Such Great Heights

Writer's note: Please keep in mind these are very fresh feelings and I choose not to censor them. Everything will be fine and there is no need to worry.

"Everything looks perfect from far away..."


Even though it was just a week and a half ago, it is already strange to read my first blog post. To see what my expectations were (and how wrong they were) is hysterical for me…hysterical in the funny light-hearted way but also in a more cynical way. Hopefully this post will enable you to understand my ambivalent feelings.

As I got off the plane at TLV with Emma, a friend from college, déjà vu hit me like a brick. (Perhaps like one of sand colored bricks that surrounded me and that overpopulate all of Israel.) I could feel my footsteps on them from years before. The Hebrew on the signs comforted me and made me feel safe. I knew I had entered the most meaningful place for Jewish people all around the world. I felt tired but excited to embark on my journey and to experience the beauty of Israel again. What I did not know was how hard it would be to become comfortable in a university in a foreign place. Even the “homeland” does not always feel like home. I thought that my past two experiences abroad would provide my with what I needed to succeed here. I still may succeed, but now that I am a week wiser I do not think that those trips really could ever have prepared me for this. Despite the déjà vu, I really had never been Ben Gurion Airport as the same person before. I was just a child having my hand held all the way through. Arriving in the airport was also very different from when I arrived in London this summer. Honestly, This journey and experience I came to have is, at least so far, completely different than backpacking through Europe. Adventure is for vacation. Daily life, the little things, hold many more challenges.

These differences I have alluded to became evident from the moment we exited the airport. Here is a play-by-play of what happened: We wanted to take shared taxi called a Sherot from the airport to the University of Haifa. The van only had room for two but we had picked up a friend at the airport. So, we decided to wait for the next one. It arrived quickly and we got on but it did not leave. After sitting there for a half an hour, the driver told me that we could not leave until we got more people. He did not know how long that would take. We got off and went over to the taxi area. I asked how much it would cost to take a taxi to Haifa. It was too expensive. We took the train instead. Once in Haifa, we did not know how to get to the school because had not planned on needed to use public transportation. An old woman helped us. Everything, up to this point, was in Hebrew. I was the only one conversing and I was, therefore, making the decisions. It was scary. It was difficult. Yet, I must admit, it was extremely rewarding. My past time in Israel did not help me to navigate or to speak. However, similar situations from my backpacking trip did help. I thought, while sitting on the bus, “It was a good thing I have backpacked before.” I felt fearless.

After all that, a young woman helped us switching buses and getting off at the university. We were greeted at the campus with cold rain and no understanding of where to go. With luck on our side we made it to the room where we received our keys. I was freezing. My room was dirty. My stuff was wet. My kitchen had no oven, toaster oven, or microwave. I broke down. Emma comforted me and together we went on a group outing to a bar (my favorite kind too – Irish). I had some beer and met some people. It was a good time. Especially because I did not have much eat beforehand, the beer went a long way. It washed away some of the negative emotions that come once I got here but, like the waves, they have come and gone many times since.

The next morning we had our exams for getting into Hebrew classes. I was placed in the sixth level out of seven. I have had four days of Hebrew so far. They have been just as challenging as from the airport to the university. I have struggled a lot with the material but I must admit my Hebrew had been improving a lot. That is definitely to the credit of this program because I have not been using Hebrew very much. I try to speak in Hebrew with my roommates, random Israelis, and my friends who speak Hebrew. It is not easy to actually speak very often for two reasons: a) most of the time I am around people who do not know much Hebrew, and b) I become very frustrated with Hebrew after four hours of Hebrew class a day and at least three more hours of homework. It is my goal to try harder to speak more Hebrew.

Although class has been hard, it really is not the thing that has been causing my discomfort. Earlier, I referred to the little things being challenging. A friend of mine once said that to me. Here, I have learned that how true that saying is. A perfect example is food. A lot of people on my program have not really been eating. That just does not work for me. There is a minimarket on campus near where we live that is a bit expensive and does not have everything I need to create a varied diet. So, I was happy to find out that were going to have a trip on Tuesday (two days after I arrived) that involved us stopping to a shopping area that we could buy the things we needed. I am almost done with that food. So tomorrow I need to go out to a supermarket. It is not simple to find food here that is the same as what I eat at home. Reading labels in Hebrew to try and see what is in my food is also difficult. The simple act of shopping is much more daunting here than it was in Europe because of an extreme sense of permanence I feel. I know I am going to be here a while and, thus, I need to get used to the food. I know this. Still, I am intimidated.

I think that I expected this trip to be more of an adventure and less of a trial. I may not be having as much fun as I anticipated but I have managed to have some fun since I have been here. I have taken two walks in the gorgeous Carmel National Park. Honestly, it is more of a mountain than park. It has beautiful views and paths. Today I walked there with a large group of students. Our leisurely Shabbat walk quickly turned into an intense hike when we went off the path. I also went to a club last night with two girls from the Ulpan and two Israeli guys. I found it really helpful to go out and dance and also to go on the walk today. Most my focus has been on the things I need to do: eating, sleeping, and studying. True, those are the most important things. But, I also need start keeping my mental health in better check.

This first week has tested my self-confidence a lot. My struggles in Hebrew and with simply getting food have made me feel insufficient. Beyond that, my long-standing friend-making anxiety has definitely reared its head. Think I am getting over all of these problems but I do not think I could have much progress without Emma here. Emma and I have been spending a lot of time together. We are in the same Hebrew class, I use her kitchen often, and she has been comforting me even more often. I owe her many thanks.

As you can see, I feel pretty conflicted right now. I am learning and I growing. I am getting frustrated and I am feeling smaller. I am having fun and I am gaining new knowledge about myself. I am lonely and I am not happy with my attitude. All these emotions are floating inside of me one week in to my Ulpan at the University of Haifa. After a restful and reflective Shabbat, I feel that things will continue to get better. My time here is going to change me in truly tremendous ways. But for now, I am taking the simple pleasure of finding my last post pretty hysterical. I was definitely not ready for this.